Your reading a pre 2010-11 archived article
Best laid plans, as some often say, can get wasted completely out of the blue. When your 68 year old mother calls you on a Friday night to tell you she is travelling 250 miles to appear on my doorstep between 1pm and 4pm, given the rationale behind this announcement my football plans (Chessington and Hook verses Chertsey Town, extra preliminary round, FA Cup) are well and truly shafted.
Such occurrences always lead to one thing, Saturday afternoon with “Jeff and the boys”. Normally this would involve using cunning skills to persuade the misses to take the kids out somewhere while me and a stock of Taylor’s Landlord settle down to an afternoon of excessive nervous tension and occasional verbal outpouring directed where no-one but the walls can hear. However with the situation involving family the Landlord would have to stay in the larder.
My preferred option when at home is to have Sky Sports News on for general scores and BBC online for developments for Leeds United games I’m not at. I don’t do “early kick-offs” on a Saturday, you need to be in a pub for that, preferable on the way to a game. Now Jeff and his bunch of ex pro’s may be decade old legends to some, but to me they are the best of a bad job and that seems to still the case as a new Premier League season unfolds. No amount of Hartlepool worship, biscuit jokes, Lisa Stansfield references or the noble elocution of Paul Merson can disguise the limitations of the format. Having been stuck in the same grove for years you can go 3 months not watching the programme and not have missed a thing.
Part of the problem lies with the lack of originality in the post Rodney Marsh range of ex pro’s. Don’t get me wrong, Marsh could be an arse, but his footballing views were individual, something conspicuous by its absence in the present flock of trawler following seagulls the channel retains. Personally I tend to find, if they haven’t managed then they don’t really have much to say (Andy Gray is the exception but he is more your institutionalised summariser rather than a panellist). Birtles, Marwood, Redknapp J, all fostered on us over the years and all guaranteed to annoy.
The other issue revolves around the reading of the results. Strangely I don’t mind being in a crowded pub not able to hear and forced to scan quickly before the page disappears (clearly having rushed out of a ground or just caught the 6pm reading) but when I can hear the announcer clearly I want to be transfixed. The old Grandstand seemed able to do this in my youth but the Sky Sports version can’t muster up this magic. I tend to have to check them again on a phone or computer after drifting off during the first run through. Less posh tones and more football passion seems to me the key.
Results dealt with (the mighty Wycombe put to the sword) so to ESPN, or Setanta lite as it should be known. It’s like watching the equivalent of something you bought as a job lot off the back of a lorry, absolutely nothing that you didn’t get last season, except now you add the worst the BBC could lose to the mix. Old Setanta commentators, interviewers, camera tricks with Ian Wright thrown in to really underwhelm the first game experience. Now having criticised the Sky boys I feel duty bound to absolute them of all blame and responsibility for their shite so long as anyone pays that empty mind a penny for his views. Yes 200+ goals is impressive but as the contribution of his mouth to that was limited I see no reason to have to tolerate his inane bollox for the rest of my life. Basically if you pair him with ex Leeds United manager Peter Reid in a studio you’re inviting the viewers to mute!
Also transferred from auntie was Ray Stubbs, a man who has made a 25 year career out of repeating back the question that has just been asked. If he asked “is Arsenal’s top 4 place under threat” once he asked it 100 times. He must have felt so proud of his analysis as the gunners blasted the 5th best team from last season to shreds on Everton’s own patch. It really doesn’t matter if its Sky Sports, ESPN, BBC, The Times or Pitch Invasion, the constant wittering about Arsenal not being contenders is so ridiculous it almost makes me believe that mass hysteria is the new logic (lots of recent political developments laid the groundwork for that comment). I’m just hoping today’s performance was just a warm up and they stick it up the big spenders and the critics all season long! I will save the “why Arsenal should be everyone second team” for when the critics have the first defeat to turn into a crises but suffice to say I judge people harshly by their negative attitude to their present squad!
Now when your home club is 4 hours minimum from your abode, getting home in time for MOTD isn’t a priority (and anyway there is always the Sunday Morning repeat). Again a tired format clings onto existence despite a crying need for refreshment. Even before Alan Shearer took on the look of a permanently broken hearted love-sick teenager his triple act with Alan “dull in the morning, dull all day long” Hansen and Gary “product endorsement” Lineker looked almost designed to drive people to bed. Mr Motson is still plying his trade 15 years after the rest of the commentary fraternity left him behind and the graphics development department have clearly been laid off.
This leads us into the new kid on the block for this season: the imaginatively named Football League programme. Now I love a footy fest like the next obsessive but what is with the back to back scheduling? The ITV version of last season might have had a irritating tendency to move every week but at least is was always the Sunday morning. I don’t see the point of buying up the rights to the FL matches if you’re going to show the highlights straight after MOTD. To be fair the availability of all the highlights on the BBC website and BBC IPlayer looks like it’s going to be a great resource but that’s no excuse for the deadzone slot on a Saturday night.
The other growing issue with the BBC’s new FL format is the style. The late 90’s converted warehouse look is dated already, the wandering from presenter to presenter just dull, the outside reporter loses credibility by having to do 3 clubs a week (and should just concentrate on its “on the day” presence) and whilst Steve Claridge is a mine of information and opinion he is going to need assistance across the breath of the season. The email reading section is so ridiculous, Sky Sports News have that covered anyway, give it another month and all it will be is a series of “love the show but xxx needs sacking before yyy happens”. I suppose I should give it time but at the moment I’m unimpressed.
What the above proves to me is that unless the nonexistent omnipotent beings make it impossible the one place you should never be is your front room on a Saturday afternoon during the season. No matter how lowly the football available to you get out there and watch some, that way you won’t have your senses polluted by the most turgid of comments and splattering of UHT analysis. For the record Chertsey Town beat Chessington and Hook 2-0, but more importantly; missing that game means just as much to me in the disappointed stakes as not going to Adams Park. No amount of filler copy will compensate for that and no amount of Taylor’s Landlord will erase the memory of having to spend the day with Jeff and the boys ever (“their dancing in the streets of Chertsey”).
